Hardly Star Crossed
by AttilaTheBunny
Summary: The most random pairings you can possibly think of. If you tell me a ridiculous pairing, I promise to write it for you. Genre may be anything from crack to angst, so beware! Here there be randomness. And possibly dragons.
1. Buffy and the Annointed One

Disclaimer: I used to be Joss Whedon, but I looked in my mirror today and somehow I had become…not. I'm trying to get back into my original body, but until then…

**Author's Note:** First up is Buffy/The Annointed One. Which has to be one of the most random pairings in the history of the universe, so you know, kudos to my friend for thinking of it. I actually wrote two fics for this pairing, one angst and one crack, just for fun. I probably will probably never write two again. One is good.

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He's so innocent, so sweet, even though she _knows_, she really, really does… But it doesn't matter somehow; he smiles and her heart breaks inside because he's just a little boy and this isn't _right_—

But the world doesn't care about right and wrong, that's her job, but she can't right this one, can't kill this little boy who never even had a chance to live—and she thought it was bad knowing she was going to die at sixteen?—can't kill the little boy who holds his hand out to her and smiles. And she doesn't know how to make it better, doesn't know how to do her job this time, because it's not just a vampire and somehow it's Angel all over again.

Because she can't seem to deny him anything, not when he's already lost so much, so when he holds his hand out to her like that, she can't help but take it. And when he kisses her and pushes her back with a strength she _knows _no child could have, and shouldn't that tell her everything she needs to know? But it doesn't because no matter what he does he's still just a little _boy _even while he kisses her like this—

And she's crying even as she kisses him back, because her world shattered ages ago and she doesn't even know where all the pieces are, or how to put it back together—

And she can't _do _this anymore, and sometimes—always, never, she doesn't seem to be sure of anything anymore—she wishes she had stayed dead when the Master killed her.

At least then it would all be over.

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And now a little something to cheer you up from that downer…

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"Giles," said Buffy, purring seductively and sliding across the library table. "Don't you think that lollipops are the sexiest things in the world?" She pulled one out of her mouth, and slowly licked it, looking up at him with smoldering eyes. Which, you know, hurt quite a bit, but she was willing to put up with a little pain.

Giles stared at her as his mind tried to catch up with his eyes. "Buffy… Are you sure you're feeling all right? You didn't…er, meet any strange demons you neglected to mention, did you?"

She pouted. "Of course not, Giles. You know I tell you _everything_. So won't you tell me what you think of"—she waggled her eyebrows—"lollipops?"

"Um, no, I really don't think I will. Excuse me while I go get lost in the stacks and try to turn this into a nightmare that is somehow far more pleasant."

Buffy stared at his rapidly retreating back. "He rejected me?" she sobbed, her beautiful orbs filling with tears. "How could he? How can he not think lollipops are"—eyebrow waggle—"sexy?"

"Buffy, I think lollipops are"—eyebrow waggle—"sexy!" said the Annointed One, jumping into the library randomly, and from no discernable starting point. "I'm about seven years old, so candy really turns me on."

"Really?" gasped Buffy, turning towards him with stars in her eyes, which hurt even more than when they were smoldering.

"Yeah."

"Oh, Annointed One! Surely we were made for each other! I love you!"

"I love you, too! And that lollipop is really hot!"

Buffy felt her heart expand, which practically killed her. Here was a man who finally understood her! "It's true love!" she cried out joyously. "Let's make out!"

"Yes, let's! With the lollipop!"

"Exactly!"

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**Author's Note:** When you review, which I just _know _all of you are planning to do, or risk the fear of my displeasure, feel free to request pairings. If none of you do, that's fine, I've already got three done: Ms. Calendar/Oz, Giles/Darla, and Xander/Dru. But I would love to get requests, and if I do, I will choose the most insane one, and proceed to write it. I would like to request that people only request _silly _pairings. That is the point of this. Don't give me a pairing you're actually interested in. If you do, I will not write it. Well, unless you give me a silly pairing you're actually interested in. That's fine.

And just to remind you… PLEASE REVIEW. I need feedback desperately, and if I think no one is reading this story, I will lose the will to update. So please, please, please. Cheer me up, because finals are coming. The end is nigh, etc.


	2. Xander and Tara

Disclaimer: I'm afraid I'll still haven't managed to remove the imposter from my old body, the one carrying the name of Joss Whedon. When I do, I assure you, the show will start up again, and I will somehow bring Anya back to life, BECAUSE SHE WAS AWESOME.

Ahem. Anyway, this chapter is not about Anya. It is Xander/Tara, a pairing requested by Chi Vayne, my very first reviewer. Thank you for reviewing! I'd also like to thank boop-oop-ee-doo and icespring, who both also reviewed. Your requests are coming up, I promise!

And now, for our feature presentation…

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It made it so much easier. Having her there. Suddenly, he didn't have to be "the heart" anymore. At least, not alone. He didn't have to be the one who carried the gang on his shoulders. He didn't have to be the one they could rely on to always be there. The one who didn't change. The one who would carry their hearts and souls around with him, just as Buffy carried their hopes and dreams and hardships and successes. She was the center of the wheel they all turned around, but sometimes he felt as if he was the axle that held them up and tied them down at the same time.

And then she came.

Sweet, sweet Tara who listened when you talked and didn't judge you. Who would understand your feelings, sympathize, and help you along without ever burdening you with her own problems. Suddenly, he _could _have his own problems. Not just silly ones like falling for a praying mantis, but he could finally let his _real _problems out. He could accept that he had them, and make everybody else accept that he had them, because suddenly, she could be their heart instead. She's the sweetness and light that left them somewhere along the road, the mother they all lost or never really had in the first place, the one to turn to when everything seemed like it was going wrong.

Sometimes, he thinks she became his heart after he gave it away to everybody else.

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Don't forget to REVIEW, guys! I really appreciate feedback, and you can suggest pairings for me to write! *grins* You _know_ you're dying to see how I might manage to get the Master and Dawn together, or something…


	3. Giles and Harmony

Disclaimer: You know, I looked in the cookie jar this morning, but somehow I seem to have misplaced the rights to _Buffy_. I'll check under the couch cushions, but until then…

Okay, I actually hate this. It sounded a lot funnier in my head, but I'd like to see you try and write Giles/Harmony. Because that's what this is. Giles/Harmony for boop-oop-ee-doo. I hope you like it. I'm just not sure that's likely.

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"So, Giles… How long have you been using Luscious Lovelies lipstick?"

"I…beg your pardon?"

Cordelia squinted at his lips, where faint traces of color lay. "Peach Pleasure, if I'm not mistaken, and I never am. I didn't realize you swung that way."

"I don't! I mean, that is to say…" He whipped out a handkerchief and dabbed at his mouth.

"Gotta say, it doesn't really work well with your skin tone. I can give you a few tips, since obviously the fashion gene skipped you all together." She shrugged. "Or maybe I'm being too judgmental—I mean, that might be _haute couture_ tweed. But really, Peach Pleasure? Nobody wears that stuff except Harmony."

"Harmony? Silly idea, what on earth would I be doing kissing Harmony?"

There was dead silence in the library as Cordelia stared at him and Giles realized what he had just said. "I mean—I—" He began to nervously clean his glasses.

"Never mind," said Cordelia, rising out of chair and grabbing up her things quickly. "I decided I don't want to know."

Later that day, an apocalypse was averted. The First would never have its chance to rise. The Slayer died of shock that day, as did the witch that might otherwise revive her.

So, you know, you have to look on the bright side. Like how even used Mercedes have leather seats.

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Liked it? Hated it? Thought of another insane pairing you'd just _love _to see me write? Then REVIEW. They are like oxygen to me!


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